Gab External Monologues

I feel crap a lil bit. Lately I figured out so many things that I would never expect it will happen. So unexpected. I’m not upset. But ya. Maybe. Suwayyah. This is not entirely an upset, but more to a confusion. I just do not know how to start. Am I good enough? I try to understand myself where the time I got sumtin that annoyed me or I disliked, or knew sumtin that I shudn’t have known about it, I could accept actually. Radheetu billah. I know and I really understand that everything is rightly arranged by Him, at the rite time and the rite event. I try to be the most patient person at the first bang of the test. But the problem is I do not know what to do so I can cure the situation or even make it better off. It’s hard for me to believe the things that I figured out. What should I do? When all these things happen, the most worst ever feelings is blaming me. Even sometimes I try to persuade myself that this is not my fault. It is theirs. I am not guilty. Everyone takes charge of himself... But I am quite pissed when I couldn’t do anything to make things right. I feel so stagnate and this stagnancy affects more on the feelings of blaming oneself which is me. This is totally crap. So I made up my mind to repent more to my Lord, to reckon myself more, to make every endeavor (more) to reach the higher level from wat I am now of being His slave, to more purify the heart which is overwhelmed with the hundreds of black dots, to add and add more the true Islamic understanding based on Al-Quran and Sunnah with the real manhaj, to be more patient at the first bang of the test, to ask more to Him so I will be much closer, and ask Him to bring me away from this hole, and make me able to think from out of the box, and to be more positive. I shud plan neatly so I won’t mess up later on. I was kinda thinking maybe if I do this, what will happen to that? And clearly, there are so many things interrupting my mind where I can’t stop wondering and pondering bout ‘em. But Alhamdulillah the situation is under control. Allah is The Most ‘Adil and Omnipotent and Merciful, never let me dying in this ocean alone. He gave me cheers and bounds of ni3am and worldly pleasures which I really grateful.

Huh, stop ‘bebeling’. Juz my written gab external monologues, from the bottom of my unbroken heart.. This is not a broken heart. The heart is not as fragile as glass. But to be and wannabe as the heart of the Prophet Sallallahu 'Alaihi Wasallam, the toughest heart in universe amongst slaves.

"When My servants ask Thee concerning me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when He calleth on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to My call, and believe In Me: that They may walk In the right way." (Al-Baqarah,186)

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